Dreams/aspirations

 I have always known that I am a bit off of normal. This does not bother me. I can given you so many examples of things that I want to do and learn. 
Like 

learn Japanese and Swedish. 
     I am fascinated by these languages. They don't have much to do with each other and yes, french would be more practical seeing I am living in Canada and all, but I really want to learn these ones. If there is some reason that must be given I would say  I  can understand Ikea instructions better  and weird Japanese game/shows. No one said they have to be good reasons. 

Learn to code games.
     I really want to make a game all by my self from the sound to graphics. Now will the game be good... probably not ... but I don't care. I can say I made a "Roxy" game.  I have so many ideas but the one that stands out the most is  like a party game/ time waster where you can play common games like tic-tac-toe, rock paper scissors, Russian roulette and other games of that nature to get points that you can buy things for a avatar to make it look like what ever you want. Multi-player both online and local as well as AI. On computer, and android tablet/phones and DS. Ambitious yes, but who can say "I made a game" or even better "I made my game".

Learn to code games.
     I will be the first to say that my English skills suck. Well I did make a word ..."Manoade"... don't ask me what it means I say it is mayonnaise with a hint of lemonade taste.  My grammar could use a lot of work and spelling well lets just say spell check is my friend, one of my bestest friends. I am aware that is not a word...  punctuation I have to work on to but that has gotten a bit better, still not going to win any awards. 

Learn how to pole dance.
    And no I don't want to strip at a club. If I did people would run away screaming bloody murder. This is not a statement to say I not beautiful, (if you let my phone talk it says I am), but to say that I am sexually appealing to a small subset of the male population. The reason I want to learn this is because as I was lurking on Youtube I was fascinated by some of the moves and how it look like you are defying the laws of gravity. like the rest of my list no one has to see or like it, because I don't want to learn this for some one else's enjoyment but my own. 

Lose some weight. 
    This one is a little harder to explain. I am happy with my body. I don't want to be super skinny like a model, fit size X clothes or become more appealing to a larger subset  of males. I am always fear full that people will think that I have self esteem issues or image problems when I don't. Trust me I will be the first to speak up when it comes to something I know and or care about. Its just when I close my eyes I see some one that looks a bit different, my inner self lets call it. I see the proportion the same, curvy-ish with less flabby arms, but just a bit smaller. If you can imagine more of a medium size. I just want my outer self to look more like my inner self. Also it would be nice to be more on the healthy side and be able to run and rock climb, but of course pole dance.  

Be an extra in a movie.
    I want to be one of the back round people in movies, I know they don't pay well but it is not for the money. I think it would be fun and exciting. No lines required. 

Meet the internet celebrity's that I like.
   I know that "internet celebritys" won't  be on the cover people, but being able to me Robert Benfer, Jason Steele ( film cow) maybe Ashens would make my day, hell being able to talk to them via... anything would be awesome. I know a lot of people don't know anything about them or there work but I like them and that is what matters.

getting a Penta kill in league, in a normal game.
   I have never gotten one, just because I play a bit does not mean I am good. It would be awesome to get a penta. From skills on my end of course not because the other side sucks. It is easy to get kills when the other player plays stupid. I want to earn it.

Beat hard bots on Star craft 2, by my self.
    I can't beat normal on my own, I like the game it is fun but I would love to have more skills.

Own a home
    Live in my own home, pay my own bills decorate how ever I want. A dream that could possibly come true one day.

My goals may not be all easy, or make sense to some people, but motivations even stranger but I have always known that I was not normal. I want to do these  for me and not to please some one else. so I don't care what others may think. I am Roxy, I am not  playing support Ashe.

  

Roxy's guide to life: priorities

Life is not easy at times but if you know what is important life gives you a bit of a brake.

There are three things that you need to understand;

Needs

There are things that you can't live with out. REALLY REALLY can't live with out. These are things like  Food, water, shelter.  Things that you would really DIE without it or would be a  detriment to your life like eye glasses, electricity or clothes (does not need to be brand name just cover the skin).

Wants

Wants are things that are not needed but really be nice. Like new toys, MP3 players and new games. Sadly some wants get confused  with and needs. Take for example a 12 year old does not need to have a cell phone. They may seem to think they need one because everyone else has one, but it is not true.  IF they do need to have a electronic leash a basic phone will do not a smart phone.  Also things like T.V service, Internet and cellphone are also wants. You don't NEED them to live and it really is not a detriment to you life.

 last but not least

Appreciate what you got.
We all see things that we want and need but  it is true you don't know what you got till it is gone. why get a whole new game if you still have not played all the games that you got kind of thing. We get caught up with the whole keeping up with the Jone's that we don't have time to play with what we got. I don't know about you but I like to play with my toys and not replace them when something new comes out that a tiny, little bit better.

I guess what I am trying to say is that things may seem hard at times but remember, we did not always have the things we do now. computers would be some kind of spawn of devil him self and cell phones would make you look crazy (and not just blue tooth head set but the device it self).  Know what is imported and then go from there. Prioritize needs over want, and use what you got. It may not be the latest and greatest, but it is better then nothing at all. 

Meaning in everything.

I know this may sound like I an reading in to things that are not there but I have noticed that some things that stopped you dead in your tracks. Even thou your mind is busyed by other thoughts then all of a sodden there is a a jolt, if you call it that. were all you focus on  may be one or 2 lines of song you are listening to every day, or song that been along for a life time just seem to talk to you like it just came out moments ago or a line in TV show that just demands you attention.There are a few times were I can recall this happening to me.Lets start off with Andrianna Katlin Everett  other wise know as Andi.  A person robed from this world far to soon, I don't like talking about her. I cry all the time I think of her.  You can say her death hit me really hard.  Every one deal with death differently, I tend to withdraw a bit do some thing creative. I don't like crying in pubic much  when I am alone it hit.around this time there was a song on the radio by Shinedown called second chance  I don't know why but all the thoughts emitys from my mind as fast as they came. The lyric soaked in all I found my self balling like a baby. I can't tell you why the lyrics are happyish even in the song it says to not cry but today I can't help it. At around the same time anther song, one thing by finger eleven , that had been out forever caught my ear and just stopped me dead in my tracks.


"If I traded it all 
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thingIf I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing Wouldn’t that be something"

The words hunted me.  If I heard the song before i would of thought it was good, but now it was amazing how the words meant so much more to me. Reading to far, may be, but it is hard to deny the power of the moment when no matter how hard you try to make the moment pass it makes fails.I like music, as you can tell. Some times I think the radio is talking to me. The songs that play convey a feeling that I am feeling or trying to tell me something. Something wants me to listen.  I know it sound crazy but it is true.I think my mind works this way too. When my Uma was dying there was a song the ran through, voodoo by Godsmack 

"I'm not the one who's so far away
When I feel the snake bite enter my veins
Never did I wanna be here again
And I don't remember why I came"

over and over, as if my mind was trying to coo it self. At the time i could not think of anything else.  Just "I'm not the one who's so far away,When I feel the snake bite enter my veins, Never did I wanna be here again, And I don't remember why I came" . I guess you could say it was my Uma but I don't think it was. It was some time later that I was watching Anderson copper  and he had the long island medium  I was not paying much attrition to it because I was getting ready for work  and all of a sudden one line just filled my mind, clearing all other thoughts. The exact word escape me now but I think it went along the lines of the spirits try to communicate but making you turn on the radio so a song comes on or little things things that we take for granted.

Why am I so easy to amuse/ my mind is not a safe place for other.

Wow 2 post in 1 years this is a good thing I guess.

So I was out for a drive and I seen a sign, not a fancy one just a white with a black border made to look like an arrow  that reads "Landmark". I laughed, it was pointing to wards a farmer field. Me thinks it not much of a land mark seeing that it is a just like all the other farmers fields in the area.

The small ironic things amuse me. Like packing cookies for friends and family that are gifts for valentines days while watching The biggest loser. I would love to figure out why but whatever.

So the other day I was looking at my horrorscope and it said "We no longer have to wait for someone to arrive home from school or work to be able to receive a phone call. We no longer have to wait a week to get a card or a letter from someone through the postal service. We can text or email or call someone on a cell phone no matter where they are. But there was something that was a bit more romantic about the old way, and there's something to be said for that. "  Now that is true I mean when you read cosmopolitan and they say that Facebook is a major way we talk to people. Every one believes them right (sarcastic)? Oh Cosmo, you take your self way to cereal (I should make a post about my thoughts on Cosmo) . I do find it sad thou that I don't get any letter that are not sales and or bills. it also told me reach out and touch someone. I don't know about normal people but I thought of Marilyn Manson's song personal Jesus, "Reach out and touch me" some times I think that my mind is not a safe place for anyone else but me.

well hope I did not bore you TOO much. 
Roxy

Gym ads and Weight

So I see a lot of ads and articles recently about losing weight or people that have lost weight.It maybe because I am noticing them more or the whole "new years resolutions" thing but there is something that bothers me about them. They all say that you will get some form of self confidence or happiness. This maybe true but what bother me about it is that how much you weight is just a number, to base happiness and/or confidence on such number is a foolish act. People that are thin still lack self confidence, still are not happy with who they are. Happiness is some thing you get from something that you like to do. It is a mental thing, yes your outward appearance does effect that in some way, but if it the only (or the major) thing that make you happy and/or give you self confidence then maybe you have to re-think a few things in your life.
Don't get me wrong if you lose a few pounds then good for you but I wish that they would focus on other things. Like being healthy and not getting/reducing the risk of diabetes, not dieing before you parents do, you get the point. The image in the mirror is only a tiny part of the over all picture and ads and articles like this make me lose faith in humanity a little bit every time.
I really think that as a society we need to re-evaluate what is beautiful and what is pleasing to are senses. Recognize what is really important and cast off all the BS that we are made to believe is real.


Numbers are just numbers, your size,weight or measurements are used by doctors and by health care professionals to help keep you healthy. It says nothing about how happy you are or how sad you are. How confident you are will never change. Losing a few pounds here and there help people notice you, this is true, but if all they care about is looks then maybe there not the right person. It matters what on the inside. Losing weight help that shine through but if that needs work losing weight does not solve said issues.


If only humanity as a whole would see though the superficial BS. Look beyond the guise of the mass's and think for them self once and a while MAYBE we can Learn to get along. A wish that mite not come true, but one can dream.